Lonesome Independence

The other day my friend did not call me until very late to hang out for a Halloween bonfire/shindig. I was pissed. I had my Jackie O. ensemble, straight with the full-length camel colored coat and a colorful headscarf with over sized sunglasses. I sat at my vanity and applied red lipstick, removed it, applied Burt Bee's chapstick and then kept re-applying some sort of fancy lipgloss. This process continued for a half an hour. I was killing time.

Then a wave of anger came over me. Here it comes again. The emotion wave.

I yanked my pearl necklace off and little beads fell all over the floor. I didn't give a shit. I threw off my black stiletto's and slammed the door. I immediately fell into my bed and started balling. Something in me had been triggered. I felt like the Hulk (sans the bulging green muscles). I lay motionless in my bed for three hours. I didn't even feel like getting up to pee. I grabbed my phone, put it on silent and threw it on the hardwood floor. I was miserably angry, and couldn't stop crying. I even scared myself a bit. I NEVER slam doors. What was wrong with me?

A while later it hit me: I felt alone. I felt that people weren't calling me because they didn't want to hang out with me, or didn't care. And instead, poor me, I am home alone on a Saturday night of Halloween weekend. I had been thinking about Alex. How much I missed him. How, if we were together, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I wouldn't be alone, on a cold night, with a disheveled Jackie O. look. But then I realized, I was acting dependent. Dependent upon other people for my own entertainment and self-worth. Why can't I just be happy with myself?

Shortly after this small epiphany, one of my friend's called me. She told me there was a Zombie dance party at Mockingbird Café. I threw on my back-up costume (80's Go-Go dancer/High school slut) and high tailed it over to the café. We drank PBR's and talked about life, then headed over to Level 8 and watched the sparkling horizon dim. After what I had experienced earlier in the evening, the experience was perfect.

soy un perdedor

Sometimes emotions come in waves.

Take, for instance, sadness.

The other night, I was fortunate enough to spend quality time with my friends. We were all hanging out on my back porch drinking beer and laughing. It was fantastic. We decided to go play pool at the Warehouse. A friend of a friend was there. He complemented my long black dress, let me choose songs on the Jukebox and insisted on teaching me new pool tricks. I was deeply flattered.

Later we were sitting on my porch. Somehow, the topic of rejection came up. He had been rejected from the Marines, and a girl had broken his heart. I suddenly realized I wasn't alone.  Its a feeling of loss. We all encounter it at some point or another, in various forms. Whether its the loss of a relationship, a goal or a life. You have to lose something in order to gain. That is what I'm beginning to realize.

..and so it begins.

I just recently went through a breakup. We had been together for two years.

It is never easy. No one said it was.

And no, this isn't a poem. I'm not bitching. I am here to write about my experience and how I've grown. This blog addresses inner growth, new adventures, sometimes hardship and emotional suffering, and finding my place in the crazy world of college.

Some information about myself:
I am a senior. My major is International Affairs (though I've never been super involved and stoked about it). I have traveled to Cuba, Lebanon, Sweden, the Netherlands and Germany. I consider myself a well-rounded person, however there are certainly aspects that need improvement. I enjoy creative activities that give me some sort of outlet (i.e. biking, drawing, playing Mandolin, etc.). I am thankful that I have become a more honest person over the years. And I am surrounded by amazing friends and family, of whom I all adore.

This past weekend, I realized two things about myself that I need to change in the near future: 1. Accepting that I am not overweight like I have always thought I have been, and 2. Stop needing attention.

There. I said it. Now I can breathe again. 

My goal for this blog is to show people how they can rediscover themselves, if need be. And to help myself through helping others, whether its through creative inspiration, emotional pep talks or just straight up bitching. Whatever works. Tell me your thoughts. I want to know your obstacles, as well as what you do to cope with it. It's a two-way street.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Darrah