Yesterday in my Media and Culture of the Environment class (which kicks ass!) the young feminine Italian professor engaged us in a discussion on the many definitions of nature.
"All-encompassing of the environment, human perspective, intention and the order of things."
Wow. That blew my mind.
I suddenly realized what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be involved in Environmental Activism, whether it's through lobbying communication, farmers' rights, or even a grassroots campaign leader. I want to do it. I can't wait.
It just clicked.
Whew, got the fucking awesome news out of the way. But I think there's more...
(I don't know if it's the Zoloft talking, or the fact that I'm getting laid...)
So I've noticed that like bad things come in clusters. Not necessarily just threes. Well, as you have read from my previous blogs which addressed my battle with depression post-breakup, I have relayed my experience being a young girl who is trying to find love, creativity and a place in the world where I could fit perfectly. Unfortunately, other very unfortunate events happened to me. Did I tell you this? In a nutshell, my father basically told me that I'm a worthless piece of shit, I got laid-off, got robbed of all my most prized possessions in Europe (those damn fucking Germans..) AND my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years split. Talk about a depression clusterfuck. No wonder I felt so terrible, to the point where lifting up my covers from over my head in the morning was tedious. "Getting up to make a cup of coffee? Nope, too much work. I'm going back to sleep" was my emo mantra that I stood by. In a way, it was sometimes fun to have a pity party.
Even though I am still battling depression, I have discovered an alternative approach to perceiving life. Basically, I just have to not worry, and do more creative outlets for myself. Yes, it is difficult not to worry about the robust $0.89 in my bank account when I have an electrical bill due. But recently, things have been working out. I just shouldn't worry. Its much easier than it sounds, I know.
I have to address two wonderful recent events in my life. Bear with me, Y'all.
So my adorable roommate Andrew told me last week that he found a job in Miami being a high school English teacher. When he told me the news, his eyes swelled with tears and he hugged me tightly. Yes, it is sad news, but in a way, his tears were bittersweet excitement. I told him not to worry, and that I would find a replacement. He has been so good to me. I will miss the lazy Sunday All-Saint's brunches we spend together, randomly deciding to get drunk at 2:15 in the afternoon, getting stoned and watching 30 Rock, making elaborate 5 course meals and noshing on it for days, our weekly Friday night Salsa lessons, having him being the voice of reason when I come home from an angry hipster-induced coma post Menace Beach, him allowing me to bitch about telemarketers and inconsiderate drivers, us taking power naps on my oversized vintage couch, and him always calling me "sweetheart," even after I drank his very expensive Riesling. I will miss him.
I was, however, somewhat worried about who I would find as a replacement. I am so particular about things, it's almost like controlled untidiness. The very next day, one of my best friends Sarah and I were sitting on Andrew's (not my roommate, my SCAD best friend) balcony. She puts a Camel Blue cigarette up to her lips, takes a sip of whiskey and says "I fucking hate my living situation." We talked about it for a while, and then it clicked.
"SARAHOHMYGODDOYOUWANTTOMOVEINWITHMEBRINGYOURADORABLEDOGANDALLYOURKICKASSARTSUPPLIESWECANBELITTLEBOHEMIANTWINSIESMAKINGDINNERSTOGETHERBECAUSEOURNAMESRHYME."
"Um, Darrah. FUCK YES."
Moving onto the next recent great thing. And it is related to Sarah. Well, it is related to someone who knows her.
Back story real quick. I started an Okcupid account. I know, I know, don't judge me. I wanted to try a change of pace. I went on a date with this one guy who I was totally smitten by. To my dismay, he never called me again. That's ok, he's a loser.
On a more awkward note, Kate and I went to First Friday a few days ago. This other guy I had been talking to, but never met, offered to meet me there to say hello---or so I thought. He shows up by himself, as my crazy indie hippy friends come by storm. I could see his demeanor becoming nervous, which is totally OK. I was not annoyed with him in any way. It's just it was an awkward circumstance.
But one person in particular that came was my long lost crush, Evan. The tall husky mountain man whose soft red beard and paisley bandana tied around his neck gives me butterflies. He was there, and was quiet. I could tell he noticed I had brought along this guy, and seemed almost miffed. At that moment, I knew my interest in him was mutual.
Eventually, this Okcupid guy left, and somehow we ended up walking back together to the Shit Shack (Sarah's humble abode). I invited everyone back to my place, so he would come. He did. After the party, we sat on my back porch. He showed me chords on the guitar and laughed with me when I had beer burps. Eventually everything was quiet. Not an awkward silence, but a moment of clarity. We embraced each other and kissed passionately. It was spectacular.
The next night, me and all my closest friends, including Evan (he was my friend before a crush) went to a Karaoke bar. We were the youngest people there. I sang Fiona Apple's "Criminal." Evan and I split a pitcher of PBR. I felt his strong, guitar-calloused fingers stroke my thigh. It was perfect.
The next day, we spent the day together, going to Monk's, drinking beer, and sitting on his Stern's street eclectic back porch, overlooking his chicken coop, communal arugula garden and the 'hole in the wall' bicycle repair store next door. I couldn't have asked for a better day. In the nighttime, I invited all of our friends over (Evan and I share all the same friends, pretty much). We played Madlibs, inserting wonderful words like "Stephen Hawking, moldy, alter boys, infested placenta casserole, lubricated reindeer, frothy." I don't think I've laughed that hard in my life. And the best part was, I got to share it with him. I felt comfortable. I still do. And I am excited for what comes next.
