The other day my friend did not call me until very late to hang out for a Halloween bonfire/shindig. I was pissed. I had my Jackie O. ensemble, straight with the full-length camel colored coat and a colorful headscarf with over sized sunglasses. I sat at my vanity and applied red lipstick, removed it, applied Burt Bee's chapstick and then kept re-applying some sort of fancy lipgloss. This process continued for a half an hour. I was killing time.
Then a wave of anger came over me. Here it comes again. The emotion wave.
I yanked my pearl necklace off and little beads fell all over the floor. I didn't give a shit. I threw off my black stiletto's and slammed the door. I immediately fell into my bed and started balling. Something in me had been triggered. I felt like the Hulk (sans the bulging green muscles). I lay motionless in my bed for three hours. I didn't even feel like getting up to pee. I grabbed my phone, put it on silent and threw it on the hardwood floor. I was miserably angry, and couldn't stop crying. I even scared myself a bit. I NEVER slam doors. What was wrong with me?
A while later it hit me: I felt alone. I felt that people weren't calling me because they didn't want to hang out with me, or didn't care. And instead, poor me, I am home alone on a Saturday night of Halloween weekend. I had been thinking about Alex. How much I missed him. How, if we were together, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I wouldn't be alone, on a cold night, with a disheveled Jackie O. look. But then I realized, I was acting dependent. Dependent upon other people for my own entertainment and self-worth. Why can't I just be happy with myself?
Shortly after this small epiphany, one of my friend's called me. She told me there was a Zombie dance party at Mockingbird Café. I threw on my back-up costume (80's Go-Go dancer/High school slut) and high tailed it over to the café. We drank PBR's and talked about life, then headed over to Level 8 and watched the sparkling horizon dim. After what I had experienced earlier in the evening, the experience was perfect.
Then a wave of anger came over me. Here it comes again. The emotion wave.
I yanked my pearl necklace off and little beads fell all over the floor. I didn't give a shit. I threw off my black stiletto's and slammed the door. I immediately fell into my bed and started balling. Something in me had been triggered. I felt like the Hulk (sans the bulging green muscles). I lay motionless in my bed for three hours. I didn't even feel like getting up to pee. I grabbed my phone, put it on silent and threw it on the hardwood floor. I was miserably angry, and couldn't stop crying. I even scared myself a bit. I NEVER slam doors. What was wrong with me?
A while later it hit me: I felt alone. I felt that people weren't calling me because they didn't want to hang out with me, or didn't care. And instead, poor me, I am home alone on a Saturday night of Halloween weekend. I had been thinking about Alex. How much I missed him. How, if we were together, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I wouldn't be alone, on a cold night, with a disheveled Jackie O. look. But then I realized, I was acting dependent. Dependent upon other people for my own entertainment and self-worth. Why can't I just be happy with myself?
Shortly after this small epiphany, one of my friend's called me. She told me there was a Zombie dance party at Mockingbird Café. I threw on my back-up costume (80's Go-Go dancer/High school slut) and high tailed it over to the café. We drank PBR's and talked about life, then headed over to Level 8 and watched the sparkling horizon dim. After what I had experienced earlier in the evening, the experience was perfect.
Sounds like the night turned out perfectly. <3
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