Come one, come fall

I feel the urge to blog for the second time today. And I'm making no apologies.

I have discovered beautiful new things.

I did not cry this morning upon waking in the first time in weeks. It is always a battle for me to lift myself out of bed. My spirit is heavy, my head is mushy and my feet are cold. But most importantly, my heart aches. I will usually stare at my ceiling until I have no more time to contemplate going to class, and just do it (mostly). I take a long walk to the bus stop and notice how everyone enjoys being antisocial. That's OK with me for now, I would rather not discuss things with strangers. This is a recent occurrence. I just don't want to talk to anyone.

 But not this morning.

For the first time in months, I popped open my eyes 5 minutes before the alarm. I slid out of bed and opened up my French door closet and grabbed my long black dress that I usually wear when playing pool at the Warehouse. I wore my favorite bra and felt great, then applied some pink lipstick. My hair was curlier than it had been in months and my face was smooth. I wasn't quite happy, but I wasn't dreading the simple day ahead. I was excited to listen to a new song on my iPod.

Yesterday this handsome man asked me out to lunch after class. He has always sat right behind me in our class. He would occasionally mutter comments about various subject matter that would crack me up. He is intelligent and honest. I rarely had the courage to turn around and look at him in the eye. I noticed him recently when we had to do an in-class group assignment. He leaned forward in his chair and said "hey, mind being in my group?" I turned around and nodded. I am sometimes painfully shy. I turned my chair around and we examined an article together and discussed topics at hand. I could smell his cologne. I was getting distracted. That little voice in my head was saying "you slut, you just got out of a relationship. What are you doing?" (If you haven't noticed, I am sometimes very harsh on myself.) We had three other people in our group. When I spoke, he held a gaze. Then he said something funny and I snorted. I hate when I do that. He had a big smile on his face, as if he didn't care that I am shy dork. I later would sneak glances behind me, doing a nonchalant stretch or reaching into my backpack. "I am so suave," I would tell myself. "Just remain collected."

We grabbed pizza in the student union, and I got to talk to him about all sorts of stuff. I held my hand over my mouth, because I was embarrassed of my braces. He asked me why I was doing this, and told me to stop. I felt comfortable. We took a long walk around the university, enjoying each others' company. We proceeded to hang out at his place. I saw his beautiful old house. We drank beers, kissed, hugged and told each other how sexy we think each other is. It was fun. It gave me butterflies. Something new and exciting. Oh, to be young and free. And to finally feel good about myself again...